I am exhausted. I'm a little sore. But I am determined.
Baylee and I are headed to Still Water, Oklahoma in the morning for the Nationals Basketball Tournament. Matt has graciously volunteered to stay home and spend some quality time with Brody so that the two of us can spend the weekend together. I am grateful...and determined.
There is still packing to do, oil to change, cookies to bake and a car to wash. It will get done and my prayer is that my sweet girl will have yet one more meaningful memory to file back.
Because I am determined.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
An Uncomfortable Journey
To begin, let's go back...
Around October of last year I began noticing subtle differences in my body and ability to sleep. I was experiencing random pain all over my body and at very sporadic times. I simply thought it could be explained by my life...being a Kindergarten teacher and momma to a pre-teen and toddler. As the weeks went by the pain worsened and I consistently woke up through the night from it. In addition to the pain I also began experiencing stiffness in my legs each morning and weakness throughout the day. And tired. I was incredibly tired. I remember taking a shower before work and then sitting in my room, crying. Shampooing my hair & washing my body was painful and had taken every bit of energy I had...and it was only 6:00 a.m. At this point Mom, Debbie, Matt and Shellee had all been surfing WebMD (because I would not get within a 10 mile radius of a "symptom checker" for fear of what it would reveal) and decide it was time for me to make an appointment and have it checked out.
I obliged and the journey began...
My initial appointment with our family doctor, Roger Eppstein was inconclusive. He asked me a series of questions, checked my vitals, preformed a physical examination and then looked at me and said that he was at a loss. He asked me if the pain was in my muscles or in my joints and my reply was "yes!" I remember explaining the pain as feeling like I had the flu, only I didn't. He then put light pressure on specific parts of my arms, legs and back. He asked if it hurt and at that point it did not. Dr. Eppstein then decided that it could be a thyroid problem, a virus, or 2.6 million other things. He sent me straight to the lab to have much blood drawn and prescribed ibuprofen three times a day for the pain. He also prescribed a steroid in case there was inflammation in my muscle tissue. The steroid had no effect on my symptoms and they worsened. Matt and I traveled to Houston with the kids to spend Thanksgiving with my family. By this point, I was completely weak, in pain, and had lost all sense of rationale. Something was very much wrong with my body and the possibilities of what were endless. I will always remember this as one of the darkest times of my life. The day before Thanksgiving Dr. Eppstein called to relay what my lab work proved. There was definitely inflammation in my soft tissues, thus causing the pain. The more alarming result was the Antinuclear Antibodies test. My ANA levels proved that my body was indeed attacking itself.
Due to the possibility of an Autoimmune Disease of the soft tissues, I made an appointment with a Rheumatologist. My experience with this doctor was less than pleasant so I will not mention her name. At this point in the journey, my anxiety level had reached an all time high. During my exam with this doctor she checked me for Raynaud's Syndrome. I still don't know why. It really had nothing to do with any of my symptoms. When she realized that was not the issue we were dealing with she went straight in the direction of Lupus. She asked a series of "symptom checking" questions and decided she could not make a complete diagnosis of Lupus yet, but that I was predisposed to this disease. That is to say, I show some signs of the disease but not enough to diagnose yet. However, she believed I would in the future. I left her office devastated. Not because she thought I could have Lupus, but because now she was the second doctor that could not figure this out. In her ramblings she mentioned Multiple Sclerosis and suggested I visit a neurologist.
Dr. Lincoln Chin might be the kindest, most patient doctor I have ever met. I had a series of appointments and tests with him to determine/rule out/prove/disprove something, anything. One of the tests he performed was an EMG. He inserted several needles into my arms and legs and then sent electricity through them to shocked my sensory nerves and the nerves in my muscles. This showed weakness in some of the sensory nerves in my leg, which led him to take the next step, test for MS. After 2 long MRIs on my brain and spine, no MS. Praise God!
Since Dr. Chin had gone as far as he could within his medical specialty, he referred me to another Rheumatologist. This doctor goes through more physical tests and everything he checks is right on. By the end of the exam he asks why no one has mentioned Fibromyalgia, and to that I let out a HUGH sigh of relief. He looked at me very funny and quickly assured me that this was not something to take lightly and that, although I can control my symptoms and quality of life, it would be with me forever. I knew that. I had done my homework and so had the rest of my family. By this time in the journey I was 99% sure that Fibromyalgia was going to be the diagnoses and that I would walk the rest of my life with it, unless and until God chose differently. However, there was that little percent of fear, doubt, lack of trust and faith, that kept a really bad diagnoses in my back pocket. So this news was easy on my ears and peaceful to my heart. He prescribed two medications for the pain and I gladly accepted.
Today, after much research and prayer, I am off the medicine and I am trying to fight this the most natural way. I have incorporated jogging into my daily schedule and I am up to 2 miles a day. There are certain foods and drinks that I try to stay away from or at least limit my intake. Sleep is a huge part of the equation. I am in the process of transforming our bedroom into an oasis of rest! This summer has been great and I have been able to keep up with Baylee and Brody just fine...and on those really rough days...we take a long nap.
This isn't what I would have chosen for my body or my family, had I been given the choice. But I know Who did choose it, so I will pray for a deeper level of trust that I could not learn without Fibromyalgia. And I will continue to raise my hands, through the pain, to praise Him.
Around October of last year I began noticing subtle differences in my body and ability to sleep. I was experiencing random pain all over my body and at very sporadic times. I simply thought it could be explained by my life...being a Kindergarten teacher and momma to a pre-teen and toddler. As the weeks went by the pain worsened and I consistently woke up through the night from it. In addition to the pain I also began experiencing stiffness in my legs each morning and weakness throughout the day. And tired. I was incredibly tired. I remember taking a shower before work and then sitting in my room, crying. Shampooing my hair & washing my body was painful and had taken every bit of energy I had...and it was only 6:00 a.m. At this point Mom, Debbie, Matt and Shellee had all been surfing WebMD (because I would not get within a 10 mile radius of a "symptom checker" for fear of what it would reveal) and decide it was time for me to make an appointment and have it checked out.
I obliged and the journey began...
My initial appointment with our family doctor, Roger Eppstein was inconclusive. He asked me a series of questions, checked my vitals, preformed a physical examination and then looked at me and said that he was at a loss. He asked me if the pain was in my muscles or in my joints and my reply was "yes!" I remember explaining the pain as feeling like I had the flu, only I didn't. He then put light pressure on specific parts of my arms, legs and back. He asked if it hurt and at that point it did not. Dr. Eppstein then decided that it could be a thyroid problem, a virus, or 2.6 million other things. He sent me straight to the lab to have much blood drawn and prescribed ibuprofen three times a day for the pain. He also prescribed a steroid in case there was inflammation in my muscle tissue. The steroid had no effect on my symptoms and they worsened. Matt and I traveled to Houston with the kids to spend Thanksgiving with my family. By this point, I was completely weak, in pain, and had lost all sense of rationale. Something was very much wrong with my body and the possibilities of what were endless. I will always remember this as one of the darkest times of my life. The day before Thanksgiving Dr. Eppstein called to relay what my lab work proved. There was definitely inflammation in my soft tissues, thus causing the pain. The more alarming result was the Antinuclear Antibodies test. My ANA levels proved that my body was indeed attacking itself.
Due to the possibility of an Autoimmune Disease of the soft tissues, I made an appointment with a Rheumatologist. My experience with this doctor was less than pleasant so I will not mention her name. At this point in the journey, my anxiety level had reached an all time high. During my exam with this doctor she checked me for Raynaud's Syndrome. I still don't know why. It really had nothing to do with any of my symptoms. When she realized that was not the issue we were dealing with she went straight in the direction of Lupus. She asked a series of "symptom checking" questions and decided she could not make a complete diagnosis of Lupus yet, but that I was predisposed to this disease. That is to say, I show some signs of the disease but not enough to diagnose yet. However, she believed I would in the future. I left her office devastated. Not because she thought I could have Lupus, but because now she was the second doctor that could not figure this out. In her ramblings she mentioned Multiple Sclerosis and suggested I visit a neurologist.
Dr. Lincoln Chin might be the kindest, most patient doctor I have ever met. I had a series of appointments and tests with him to determine/rule out/prove/disprove something, anything. One of the tests he performed was an EMG. He inserted several needles into my arms and legs and then sent electricity through them to shocked my sensory nerves and the nerves in my muscles. This showed weakness in some of the sensory nerves in my leg, which led him to take the next step, test for MS. After 2 long MRIs on my brain and spine, no MS. Praise God!
Since Dr. Chin had gone as far as he could within his medical specialty, he referred me to another Rheumatologist. This doctor goes through more physical tests and everything he checks is right on. By the end of the exam he asks why no one has mentioned Fibromyalgia, and to that I let out a HUGH sigh of relief. He looked at me very funny and quickly assured me that this was not something to take lightly and that, although I can control my symptoms and quality of life, it would be with me forever. I knew that. I had done my homework and so had the rest of my family. By this time in the journey I was 99% sure that Fibromyalgia was going to be the diagnoses and that I would walk the rest of my life with it, unless and until God chose differently. However, there was that little percent of fear, doubt, lack of trust and faith, that kept a really bad diagnoses in my back pocket. So this news was easy on my ears and peaceful to my heart. He prescribed two medications for the pain and I gladly accepted.
Today, after much research and prayer, I am off the medicine and I am trying to fight this the most natural way. I have incorporated jogging into my daily schedule and I am up to 2 miles a day. There are certain foods and drinks that I try to stay away from or at least limit my intake. Sleep is a huge part of the equation. I am in the process of transforming our bedroom into an oasis of rest! This summer has been great and I have been able to keep up with Baylee and Brody just fine...and on those really rough days...we take a long nap.
This isn't what I would have chosen for my body or my family, had I been given the choice. But I know Who did choose it, so I will pray for a deeper level of trust that I could not learn without Fibromyalgia. And I will continue to raise my hands, through the pain, to praise Him.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Singing...
Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands...
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands...
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Switching Gears
This summer has proven to be one of the most challenging that I can remember.
I have found myself switching gears...
from cooking mac-n-cheese to praying over Brody in the back of an ambulance,
from gearing up for the vacation of our lives to settling in to our cozy pool,
from building a road block for anything that might set off an emotional preteen to crawling around the house like a bear with a cub following behind me, laughing hysterically,
from teaching Brody to speak the name Jesus to teaching Baylee that He loves those who have hurt her just as much as He loves her,
from pursuing the role of a patient mother to that of an understanding and supportive wife,
from desperately asking God for mercy to praising Him for it.
I wouldn't trade one day of this summer, even if I could. I believe that such challenges are necessary for completion of the greater picture.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Perpetual Perspective
My mom is my biggest fan. No question. She sees the good in me when all I can focus on are the areas that need improvement. We all need someone like that on our side. And although I am grateful for this that my mom offers, I have come to depend on her ability to put the seemingly toughest challenges into perspective.Like most, I have had my share of mountains to climb. Some greater than others. And some I still question. But no matter what road I was called to walk, my mom was always there. Joyful, painful, uncertain, she was there.
I don't tell you often enough, but mom, I sure do love you. I'm grateful for you. You still provide a feeling of security for me...and I'll always need you! Thank you for caring.
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